no, we cannot be comforted. sometimes i play a little game with myself, perhaps you should try it: imagine this universe, this world, our lives as web sites- all the things we see are just little lines of code. we have been tricked into thinking the colors and sounds and smells are there. now imagine if you didn’t know this, how much more you don’t know. are we that limited? how do we know if what we see is real? we cannot know! no matter how much we want to, we cannot! we can’t, we can’t, we can’t. this frightens me! i will die without knowing if i ever really existed! and no one is able to calm you down unless you yourself decide to calm down. the only thing that is keeping you from always being in a state of panic is you. this doesn’t give you more power, no, this shows how limited we are.
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when i am angry, why do i want to be alone? defense mechanism. something in me said that, but it came so suddenly that i doubt it could’ve been me. something in me says i want to make others angry. i want to give others my anger so i won’t have it, but something else in me knows better. others cannot calm me. it is only i who can decide to settle down. it takes so long. i think i have to convince myself that time is what cures it. perhaps i only wait, wait, wait and then decide to stop the anger (i think it’s the time that decides it for me).
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sometimes i wonder if i’m really in another dimension, but i’m in a coma and i just think i’m living here. all the people come to the hospital and whisper words in my ears, “we still love you dear”, “one day you’ll get better”. do i hear their voices at night? sometimes life here seems fake. that may be the danger of reading too many good books- you’ll not only confuse them as memories, but you’ll begin to believe all life is only a book. well, who’s going to tell me if i’m only imagining this world? i would have created you and if i believe it’s real, surely you would too. i may never know if i’m real or not! but maybe that’s just what you need to change the world. you can’t take life too seriously or you’ll want to do everything just right. if you think it’s all make-believe, it doesn’t really matter what you do. you might as well do something extra-ordinary, since it’s your world.
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where is God? i’m suffering, i’m hurting, i’m alone and there is only silence. silence. silence? people always say that when they need God the most, he is silent. aha, but didn’t he say he is in the silence? i heard an ancient story of a man who searched for God: he stood perhaps on a mountain top and a fierce wind came! but God was not there… then the thunder and lightening came! but God was not there… then fire came! but God was not there either… and finally, there was silence. silence. silence. and God was there.
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i hate it when i figure out magic tricks
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December 7, 2006 at 6:01 pm
mel
God is there always.
The other day I did something very silly. And one of my friends said to me, “So where was God when you ___?” She said this because she knew it was something God would not want me to do. And I said, “That’s a good question,” because I had been asking God the same thing at the time.
But deep inside me somewhere I know that he is there. When I’m confused. When I doubt. When I disobey. When I struggle. He is there. And he is crying because he knows that I am hurting; but God has two faces, just like a coin has two sides and yet is the same coin, and with the other face he is smiling, because he knows that in the end everything will be alright and we will be together and perfectly happy.
As for the books…yes. They seem more real sometimes than life does. Maybe I should read less and live more.
“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around?” -You’ve Got Mail
December 7, 2006 at 8:39 pm
lostelements3
it is time to choose.
will it be the blue pill or the red one.
welcome to the matrix, little one.
we’ve been waiting for you.
you’re ready to ask the right questions……or have you already?